In some sports, like soccer, referees wave red flags or dole out red cards for violations. Sometimes, love is talked about as if it’s a game. It’s not romantic, but it can certainly feel that way. People often discuss “red flags” in relationships, which have a similar meaning to the ones raised in games. And some major red flags in men are important to pay attention to. Importantly, your physical and emotional well-being aren’t toys. You deserve to feel safe.
“Each person has their own personal ick factors that make someone a bad fit for you specifically, but there are certain red flags that reveal that someone may not be able to give you a safe, secure partnership,” explains Dr. Kiki Fehling, Ph.D., DBT-LBC, a licensed psychologist. “Knowing them can help you preserve your emotional well-being and end problematic relationships before you get invested.”
Dr. Fehling says that getting invested can make leaving more challenging. However, sometimes, noticing common red flags in a guy involves reading between the lines. Psychologists helped by sharing 10 of the biggest red flags in guys you shouldn’t ignore, plus the number one sign you’ve found a keeper while dating.
(Quick disclaimer: “I would say [these behaviors could be] in anyone—not just specific to men,” says Dr. Catherine Nobile Psy.D., a psychologist and the director of Nobile Psychology.)
Related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors
10 Red Flags in Men You Should Never Ignore
1. Excessive jealousy
The hot seat is uncomfortable and not a place you want to sit in regularly. Dr. Nobile says frequent interrogations about your social life or negative feelings about your time apart signifies clinging and possessiveness. Even if “love is a game,” you’re not a prize.
“Call out the behavior explicitly with clear boundaries and how it makes you feel,” Dr. Nobile recommends. “If the jealousy doesn’t subside or gets worse, you might consider stepping away from the relationship.”
Related: 10 Subtle Phrases That Signal Someone Is Jealous and How to Respond, According to Therapists
2. Controlling behavior
He tries to dictate what you wear, where you go and who you see. He may even make decisions for you and check your phone and social media accounts. A chronic need to hold the car keys to your life is a telltale sign of controlling behavior—and it’s a problem.
“Controlling behavior can escalate into further abuse or manipulative behavior and is sometimes a precursor to physical or emotional abuse,” says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry.
As with jealousy, boundaries, support and ending the relationship are critical next steps to consider.
Related: If Someone Uses These 7 Phrases, They May Be Trying to Control You, According to Psychologists
3. Being secretive
A little secrecy can be fun and seductive, but the context is important. Not being open about phone communication (including texts and emails), refusing to tell you where he’s going or who he is with and overall not answering valid questions clearly and directly are problematic, says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
“If you notice these signs, call attention to them,” Dr. Goldman recommends. “Highlight that he’s being secretive, and you don’t like how that makes you feel. Ask him to change the behavior.”
Being direct is important, even if he isn’t.
“If this behavior is ignored, it suggests that he can continue to engage in being secretive or sly,” Dr. Goldman says. “That can, unintentionally, encourage more of the same behavior because he thinks he is getting away with it.”
4. Emotional issues
“Some men struggle with expressing emotions, and most men express emotions differently than women,” Dr. Goldman explains.
For instance, Dr. Goldman says some men may not show emotions, while others (or the same man) may bottle up anger and then explode.
“A woman needs to trust that a man can display his emotions in a healthy way,” Dr. Goldman says. “This relates to how he will treat her—is he going to yell and scream at her or walk away and cool off? It is also insight into how he will express himself and what example he will set with them.”
If applicable, of course. However, working on this one will probably involve breaking generational cycles.
“Normalize that men do not express their emotions in the same way as women and discuss the fact that society does not encourage men to be emotional,” Dr. Goldman says. “Debunk the myth that ‘men who show emotions are weak,’ and work with your partner to be able to be honest and expressive with you.”
5. Name-calling
It’s unacceptable.
“Fights are normal, and losing one’s temper happens from time to time, but partners should express their hurt or their displeasure with each other’s behaviors without making it personal about the person,” Dr. Fehling explains. “Attacking your character or insulting you, like calling you ‘stupid, ‘psycho,’ ‘lazy’ or ‘ugly,’ is never OK.”
Related: ‘I’ve Been a Couples Therapist for Over 20 Years, Here’s One of the Biggest Relationship Myths I Wish Everyone Would Stop Believing’
6. The silent treatment is constant
Sometimes. tempers may need to cool, but there is a difference between a healthy pause and a toxic cold shoulder.
“Breaks should be communicated clearly and kindly with the goal of coming back together to repair or resolve the issue,” Dr. Fehling says. “If someone unilaterally decides when the fight is over and then purposefully ignores their partner’s attempts to reconnect as a way to punish or manipulate them, that’s the silent treatment. It’s a red flag.”
Related: How To Respond to the Silent Treatment, According to Psychologists
7. Inconsistent or evasive communication
Communication is a touchstone of a healthy relationship—and a red flag one needs work.
“Evasive communication signals untrustworthiness or lack of commitment,” Dr. Nobile says.
Dr. Nobile says it’s important to respond to poor communication by clearly expressing your needs. If your requests don’t pan out, she suggests re-evaluating the relationship.
Related: Why Therapists Are Begging People To Stop ‘Dry Texting’
8. Lack of accountability
It’s not all your fault. If he says it is, it’s a red flag.
“A refusal to take accountability can be a way to avoid facing up to one’s shortcomings or the need to do some work on the relationship,” Dr. Nobile says.
Also, Dr. Nobile says pushing problems into the background can let them fester and lead to bigger issues later.
9. Disregard for boundaries
Boundaries are often suggested to build healthy relationships (and have been discussed as a first step to handling some of these red flags). Repeated oversteps are a red flag in men. For example, Dr. Nobile says it’s problematic if a guy constantly pressures you to engage in things you don’t want to do or goes through your stuff without permission.
“Boundary violations can indicate disrespect for you, and a lack of respect can easily cross into more serious violations of your personal space and personal sovereignty,” she says.
10. Constant comparison to an ex
“Men might be accustomed to talking about their exes, but there is a difference between talking about an ex versus comparing you to one,” Dr. Goldman says.
Too much comparison really is the thief of joy.
“It sets up the dynamic that the ex is doing something different, potentially better,” Dr. Goldman explains. “It is an insult and can feel quite demeaning.”
Dr. Goldman suggests discussing the emotional impact it has on you.
“Explain how being compared to other people communicates that he does not value you or appreciate you,” she suggests.
The #1 Green Flag in Men To Appreciate
Two psychologists say consistency is a positive sign in relationships with men.
“He is reliable, follows through on his promises, keeps his word, and his behavior is steady and predictable,” Dr. Schiff says. “You don’t have to guess how he will react, and you know how he feels about you and the relationship.”
Dr. Nobile emphasizes consistent communication is a winning trait.
“This means he actively listens to you, values your opinions and engages in open, honest conversations,” Dr. Nobile says. “This is a sign that he is committed to understanding and valuing your perspective, which helps foster a strong and healthy relationship.”
Dr. Nobile says consistent communication builds trust and demonstrates an authentic desire to maintain a meaningful relationship. It can also help in working through issues, including some of the flags mentioned above.
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